So Many Thoughts and Feels - It's Hard to Keep it Cohesive

Okay, so here comes some more information on the same thought train (sort-of; this one derails a little bit) as the last couple of posts.  In the beginning of the life of this blog I made mention of the fact that I did not know for sure what the purpose of this writing for public consumption exercise was for me.  I just knew then that it would be important.  Well, some of the answers are starting to come out.  And one of those answers is that the blog has been a catalyst for the information-seeking path that I have been on lately regarding my own personality and for the choices that I make in my life.

I am learning more every day and I am sharing here as a way to not only share with readers that may or may not know me and may or may not glean any use from the words, but also as a way to assimilate and process the information that is constantly running through my brain. By taking the time to type it out I am assisting my own processing activity, thereby making all of this knowledge useful and applicable.  Thanks for coming along with me; perhaps together we can sort some things out.  Or you can make the choice to slowly back away from the crazy that can be Nikki; you have free will, I promise I will understand.    

It was this soul searching that reminded me that while I do not believe in giving up on people I also do not believe in giving more of you than another person is willing to accept.  Once you get caught in that unbalanced sort of relationship, I see very little good that can come of it.  So I find myself retracting some earlier statements about the possibility of specific fractured fairy tales coming true.  I find myself with a renewed understanding of the complexities and dangers of hurried relationships.  And I am reminded that a red flag is just a red flag, a little hiccup if you will, until the hiccups keep you up or cause even a restless mind to spin out of control with frustration.  Self-preservation says walk away; so away I walk.  We all put effort and/or energy into those things that we see as a priority and I am too valuable to ever be somebody’s post-script.  

On a related note, I will mention that it is probably a cause for pause when you have entered into a sort of relationship with a new acquaintance that could be considered a sort of dating yet you continue to be drawn to the presence of another.  In simple terms I mean that if you want to date the guy you just met, perhaps you should be sure that there aren't still other guys who cause you to need to catch your breath and/or stare inappropriately at every given opportunity. My energy has definitely been pointed in a very different direction for some time now. Apparently even attractive distractions are not enough for me. I am either going to get what I want or I am going to wait.  I'm cool with that.      

And on another related note, I never said that all of my choices and actions are rational or appropriate in nature; I have only claimed to live honestly and genuinely.  That much I can definitely do; anyone who has ever been around me for more than five minutes or had a personal-in-nature-conversation with me can testify to that much; but rational and appropriate are still in the works.  Or have been discarded as unlikely possibilities.  Or they were never really considered in the first place.  Whatever. 

Oh, and if I am angry or upset I will walk away for a spell.  Please just let me.  It does not mean that I do not wish to communicate or to solve the problem.  It means that the emotional part of me is winning over the logical part of me and I don’t want to say or do something that I cannot defend later.  I don’t like to speak from a place of negative emotion because I find them to be temporary and liars and I would just as soon not entertain negativity like that.  I will always revisit an argument or a discussion when it is appropriate to do so; so long as I have been given an opportunity to think first.  

There was a time when I was told often that drunk people show their true emotions; that given enough alcohol to decrease inhibitions a person would act and speak in a way that is most representative of their true selves and of their true feelings.  Yeah, not so much.  That is just a big old load of wrong.  Drunk people, just like emotionally-charged people may sometimes act out their truest feelings.  But it is far more likely that given sobriety or the chance to process and to calm down, their inhibitions and rational thinking will prevent them from acting in a way that their unaltered minds are smart enough to prevent.  I can act like an idiot whenever I want, I don’t need alcohol or a fight to show you who I “really” am; all that negative emotions and alcohol are ever going to show you is the part of me that I am typically strong enough and smart enough to tame.

Life is a constant battle for everyone to tame the parts of themselves that they do not want to let out of the cage.  This is not being disingenuous or fake; it is being a human adult with consideration, compassion, and courtesy for the others that surround them.  Having parts of ourselves that we have to battle at times is what keeps us on our toes; it is what helps us to determine who we really want to be; and it helps us to show the world the person we are working daily to become.  Winning or losing those battles will help determine your paths and will help prioritize your relationships and it will show you where and how you need to focus your energy.  

I will try very hard not to fight when it is not the time and I will try very hard to present the best me that I can at all times.  But I will not claim to be a constant master of my own emotions. That would be a lie.  But if you ever see me lose it, if you are witness to a tragic moment where my logic takes a dive and lets emotion win; please forgive me.  I am human.  I am logical and I am emotional.  And I am fallible.

But I promise I am still awesome.  Just hang in there, you’ll see.