In my last post I talked about how I see all the
possibilities in situations and how I tend to fall in love with one particular
possibility. Let me continue here with
some more information about the way my brain works. I have been spending some time trying to
understand the complexities of the ways that I feel, think, react, and expect
as I go through my daily life. I have
spent time learning about my strengths and about my personality type. It is all fascinating stuff to me. And I have stumbled upon some enlightening
facts.
Let’s start with some nuggets of knowledge about Nikki:
I am 50% left-brained and 50% right-brained. Yep, I am weird.
I am an INFJ on the personality instrument which is based on
Jung’s and Briggs-Meyer’s approach to personality. This particular type is found in 1% to 3% of
the population. Yep, weird again; though
I really like the word unique better.
My five greatest strengths (according to one particular indicator)
are: Learner, Input, Intellection, Belief, and Connectedness. This means, in very basic terms, that the
process of learning is appealing to me, I like to collect and archive
information, I am introspective and I enjoy intellectual conversation, I have unchanging
core values that define the purpose of my life, and that I believe in the
connectedness of all things, that coincidences are rare, and every occurrence
in life has a definite purpose.
Other testing mechanisms have highlighted high levels of
empathy, analytical thinking, and strategic planning as strengths that I possess.
I am equally strong in the linguistic (word smart) and intrapersonal
(myself smart) learning styles, followed closely by equally logical (number
smart) and interpersonal (people smart).
And now for some more nuggets that are not based on anything other than my knowledge of myself:
I speak often of my tendency to exhibit contradictory
actions and thoughts. I am always aware
of my contradictions, and I am always aware of a logical or an emotional reason
for them.
I do not like surprises. To me a surprise is a failure on my part to expect a possibility, a failure
to pick up on clues that were shown to me through other’s words or actions, or
a failure to consider things from a different perspective. If you manage to surprise me, I will see it
as a personal failure and I won’t like it.
I think. All. The. Time. My brain does not stop. I rarely worry, but I am always thinking. Always. It is part of what helps me to expect all
possibilities and it is part of what causes me to feel some degree of disappointment
in reality when it does not meet expectation.
I often feel more deeply for other people’s struggles and
triumphs than I do for my own. I rarely
cry about or really celebrate the things that are happening in my life. But I will shed many a tear over the trials
and successes of someone else’s life.
Stories of love and courage hit me deeply, but I find it difficult to
apply that sort of intensity to the things that happen in my own life.
I can script conversations perfectly on paper or in my head,
but when it comes to verbalizing those exact conversations, I will mess it up
every time. I tend to use a lot of
disclaimers because I feel a need to explain myself while simultaneously explaining
my opinion or thoughts. Most conversations I have with others leave me feeling like the person I
was talking to didn't really get what I was saying and it is because they don’t
truly get me.
When there is something I really want I can be very
hesitant to just go for it. This is
especially true in my relationships with other people. It is not that I have a fear of rejection,
because I really don’t. I have a healthy
understanding that not all humans will love or like each other with mutual
intensity. It is more that I am hesitant
to have reality break apart my vision of how it could be. As long as it remains my personal vision I can
control it; the minute I allow another person to have input it has changed, for
better or for worse. The part that
causes me trepidation is the “for worse” possibility; some visions are just so beautifully
crafted that they become hard to let go of.
This is why I can have a crush on one person for months without ever
acting on it. And this is why I can want
to cultivate a friendship but not know how exactly to do it. So if I ever openly seek your attention,
please know that it is being sought with a huge helping of courage on my
part. Try not to squash too hard if that
is your choice of action. And try not to over-think my terms of affection; I like the words I love you and I like to use
nick names; that’s just Nikki.
Being half dreamer and half logical thinker is
exhausting. There is a constant logic
vs. emotion battle happening inside me.
Sometimes the brain wins and sometimes the heart wins. When the brain wins, the heart feels ignored
and unloved. When the heart wins, the
brain points out all the reasons why the choice is flawed and doomed to
fail. At the same time, my creativity
can be highly practical and my practicality can be highly creative, which makes
me….weird, or unique, or awesome; yes, it makes me awesome. That is one of my favorite words so let’s
just stick with that one.
I can be obnoxious in my confidence and self-love and still
always fight the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I am not doing
enough. I don’t ever struggle with
thoughts of not being good enough. I
know I am good enough. But am I doing
enough? That is the tiny little thorn in
my brain that keeps the wheels turning all the time. It also leads to occasional stagnation
because I am so concerned about whether what I am doing is enough that I get
bogged down and stop doing at all. This
one is a vicious cycle that I need to spend some more time learning about so
that I can address it.
Now that this post has exceeded its intended word limit, I will stop here and pick back up next time. By then I am sure my never-ceasing thoughts will have come up with so much more to add. Until then, dear reader, goodbye and I love you.
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