So Many Thoughts and Feels - It's Hard to Keep it Cohesive

Okay, so here comes some more information on the same thought train (sort-of; this one derails a little bit) as the last couple of posts.  In the beginning of the life of this blog I made mention of the fact that I did not know for sure what the purpose of this writing for public consumption exercise was for me.  I just knew then that it would be important.  Well, some of the answers are starting to come out.  And one of those answers is that the blog has been a catalyst for the information-seeking path that I have been on lately regarding my own personality and for the choices that I make in my life.

I am learning more every day and I am sharing here as a way to not only share with readers that may or may not know me and may or may not glean any use from the words, but also as a way to assimilate and process the information that is constantly running through my brain. By taking the time to type it out I am assisting my own processing activity, thereby making all of this knowledge useful and applicable.  Thanks for coming along with me; perhaps together we can sort some things out.  Or you can make the choice to slowly back away from the crazy that can be Nikki; you have free will, I promise I will understand.    

It was this soul searching that reminded me that while I do not believe in giving up on people I also do not believe in giving more of you than another person is willing to accept.  Once you get caught in that unbalanced sort of relationship, I see very little good that can come of it.  So I find myself retracting some earlier statements about the possibility of specific fractured fairy tales coming true.  I find myself with a renewed understanding of the complexities and dangers of hurried relationships.  And I am reminded that a red flag is just a red flag, a little hiccup if you will, until the hiccups keep you up or cause even a restless mind to spin out of control with frustration.  Self-preservation says walk away; so away I walk.  We all put effort and/or energy into those things that we see as a priority and I am too valuable to ever be somebody’s post-script.  

On a related note, I will mention that it is probably a cause for pause when you have entered into a sort of relationship with a new acquaintance that could be considered a sort of dating yet you continue to be drawn to the presence of another.  In simple terms I mean that if you want to date the guy you just met, perhaps you should be sure that there aren't still other guys who cause you to need to catch your breath and/or stare inappropriately at every given opportunity. My energy has definitely been pointed in a very different direction for some time now. Apparently even attractive distractions are not enough for me. I am either going to get what I want or I am going to wait.  I'm cool with that.      

And on another related note, I never said that all of my choices and actions are rational or appropriate in nature; I have only claimed to live honestly and genuinely.  That much I can definitely do; anyone who has ever been around me for more than five minutes or had a personal-in-nature-conversation with me can testify to that much; but rational and appropriate are still in the works.  Or have been discarded as unlikely possibilities.  Or they were never really considered in the first place.  Whatever. 

Oh, and if I am angry or upset I will walk away for a spell.  Please just let me.  It does not mean that I do not wish to communicate or to solve the problem.  It means that the emotional part of me is winning over the logical part of me and I don’t want to say or do something that I cannot defend later.  I don’t like to speak from a place of negative emotion because I find them to be temporary and liars and I would just as soon not entertain negativity like that.  I will always revisit an argument or a discussion when it is appropriate to do so; so long as I have been given an opportunity to think first.  

There was a time when I was told often that drunk people show their true emotions; that given enough alcohol to decrease inhibitions a person would act and speak in a way that is most representative of their true selves and of their true feelings.  Yeah, not so much.  That is just a big old load of wrong.  Drunk people, just like emotionally-charged people may sometimes act out their truest feelings.  But it is far more likely that given sobriety or the chance to process and to calm down, their inhibitions and rational thinking will prevent them from acting in a way that their unaltered minds are smart enough to prevent.  I can act like an idiot whenever I want, I don’t need alcohol or a fight to show you who I “really” am; all that negative emotions and alcohol are ever going to show you is the part of me that I am typically strong enough and smart enough to tame.

Life is a constant battle for everyone to tame the parts of themselves that they do not want to let out of the cage.  This is not being disingenuous or fake; it is being a human adult with consideration, compassion, and courtesy for the others that surround them.  Having parts of ourselves that we have to battle at times is what keeps us on our toes; it is what helps us to determine who we really want to be; and it helps us to show the world the person we are working daily to become.  Winning or losing those battles will help determine your paths and will help prioritize your relationships and it will show you where and how you need to focus your energy.  

I will try very hard not to fight when it is not the time and I will try very hard to present the best me that I can at all times.  But I will not claim to be a constant master of my own emotions. That would be a lie.  But if you ever see me lose it, if you are witness to a tragic moment where my logic takes a dive and lets emotion win; please forgive me.  I am human.  I am logical and I am emotional.  And I am fallible.

But I promise I am still awesome.  Just hang in there, you’ll see. 

Continue on This Introspective Journey With Me....It Will Explain Some Things

In my last post I talked about how I see all the possibilities in situations and how I tend to fall in love with one particular possibility.  Let me continue here with some more information about the way my brain works.  I have been spending some time trying to understand the complexities of the ways that I feel, think, react, and expect as I go through my daily life.  I have spent time learning about my strengths and about my personality type.  It is all fascinating stuff to me.  And I have stumbled upon some enlightening facts. 

Let’s start with some nuggets of knowledge about Nikki:

I am 50% left-brained and 50% right-brained.  Yep, I am weird.

I am an INFJ on the personality instrument which is based on Jung’s and Briggs-Meyer’s approach to personality.  This particular type is found in 1% to 3% of the population.  Yep, weird again; though I really like the word unique better.

My five greatest strengths (according to one particular indicator) are: Learner, Input, Intellection, Belief, and Connectedness.  This means, in very basic terms, that the process of learning is appealing to me, I like to collect and archive information, I am introspective and I enjoy intellectual conversation, I have unchanging core values that define the purpose of my life, and that I believe in the connectedness of all things, that coincidences are rare, and every occurrence in life has a definite purpose.

Other testing mechanisms have highlighted high levels of empathy, analytical thinking, and strategic planning as strengths that I possess.   

I am equally strong in the linguistic (word smart) and intrapersonal (myself smart) learning styles, followed closely by equally logical (number smart) and interpersonal (people smart).  

And now for some more nuggets that are not based on anything other than my knowledge of myself:

I speak often of my tendency to exhibit contradictory actions and thoughts.  I am always aware of my contradictions, and I am always aware of a logical or an emotional reason for them. 

I do not like surprises.  To me a surprise is a failure on my part to expect a possibility, a failure to pick up on clues that were shown to me through other’s words or actions, or a failure to consider things from a different perspective.  If you manage to surprise me, I will see it as a personal failure and I won’t like it. 

I think.  All. The. Time.  My brain does not stop.  I rarely worry, but I am always thinking.  Always. It is part of what helps me to expect all possibilities and it is part of what causes me to feel some degree of disappointment in reality when it does not meet expectation.

I often feel more deeply for other people’s struggles and triumphs than I do for my own.  I rarely cry about or really celebrate the things that are happening in my life.  But I will shed many a tear over the trials and successes of someone else’s life.  Stories of love and courage hit me deeply, but I find it difficult to apply that sort of intensity to the things that happen in my own life.

I can script conversations perfectly on paper or in my head, but when it comes to verbalizing those exact conversations, I will mess it up every time.  I tend to use a lot of disclaimers because I feel a need to explain myself while simultaneously explaining my opinion or thoughts. Most conversations I have with others leave me feeling like the person I was talking to didn't really get what I was saying and it is because they don’t truly get me.     

When there is something I really want I can be very hesitant to just go for it.  This is especially true in my relationships with other people.  It is not that I have a fear of rejection, because I really don’t.  I have a healthy understanding that not all humans will love or like each other with mutual intensity.  It is more that I am hesitant to have reality break apart my vision of how it could be.  As long as it remains my personal vision I can control it; the minute I allow another person to have input it has changed, for better or for worse.  The part that causes me trepidation is the “for worse” possibility; some visions are just so beautifully crafted that they become hard to let go of.  This is why I can have a crush on one person for months without ever acting on it.  And this is why I can want to cultivate a friendship but not know how exactly to do it.  So if I ever openly seek your attention, please know that it is being sought with a huge helping of courage on my part.  Try not to squash too hard if that is your choice of action.  And try not to over-think my terms of affection; I like the words I love you and I like to use nick names; that’s just Nikki. 

Being half dreamer and half logical thinker is exhausting.  There is a constant logic vs. emotion battle happening inside me.  Sometimes the brain wins and sometimes the heart wins.  When the brain wins, the heart feels ignored and unloved.  When the heart wins, the brain points out all the reasons why the choice is flawed and doomed to fail.  At the same time, my creativity can be highly practical and my practicality can be highly creative, which makes me….weird, or unique, or awesome; yes, it makes me awesome.  That is one of my favorite words so let’s just stick with that one.

I can be obnoxious in my confidence and self-love and still always fight the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I am not doing enough.  I don’t ever struggle with thoughts of not being good enough.  I know I am good enough.  But am I doing enough?  That is the tiny little thorn in my brain that keeps the wheels turning all the time.  It also leads to occasional stagnation because I am so concerned about whether what I am doing is enough that I get bogged down and stop doing at all.  This one is a vicious cycle that I need to spend some more time learning about so that I can address it. 

Now that this post has exceeded its intended word limit, I will stop here and pick back up next time.  By then I am sure my never-ceasing thoughts will have come up with so much more to add.  Until then, dear reader, goodbye and I love you.    

You See Puppies. I See Endless Ways to Fall in Love.

So, imagine this with me if you will.  You are presented with a box of puppies.  They are all adorable and precious, have sweet puppy breath, and your heart practically melts at the sight of them.  Here’s what you know: you have the opportunity to spend some time with the puppies so that you can learn their personalities, you will eventually be presented with one of the puppies to keep and love forever, but, and here’s the catch, you will not be able to choose the puppy you keep; it will be chosen for you and you cannot exchange the puppy once it has been given.

So, what do you do?  You hop in the puppy crate and start playing, of course.  You learn that some are face-lickers, some are very rough, some are extremely timid, some are hyper and some sleep the entire time you are trying to connect with them.  While many of the puppies are wonderful and you think they would make excellent companions, some are not gelling with you at all and would never make you happy.

Eventually the inevitable happens: you fall in love with one particular puppy.  That is the puppy for you.  You want it more than all the others, you have already given it a name, and you have visions of days spent in the park and at the lake, wasting the hours running and playing. 

This is dangerous territory.  You fell in love with one, but you have never been guaranteed that one.  There are others that you would like, but you love that one already, and he isn’t even yours yet.  The deal wasn’t to choose the puppy you loved; the deal was to become familiar with the puppies and then someone or something else would make the choice for you. 

What happens if you are presented with the puppy that bites?  Or the puppy that licks your face relentlessly even though you hate it?  Or the puppy that is so hyper you cannot stand it? 

What happens when your dream of frolicking in the park becomes a nightmare of training, obedience classes, special diets, and midnight face-licking sessions?  Or, what happens when you are presented with one of the puppies that you liked, but did not fall in love with?  What happens when reality does not exactly match your desire? 

This is how my mind works.  Every single situation, circumstance, or interaction in my life is a mixed box of puppies.  Except my puppies are possible outcomes and I see them all.  It is one of my strengths: I always imagine every possible outcome so I am rarely shocked at what happens and I am prepared for any possibility.  This is a good thing. 

This is also dangerous territory.  I fall in love every single day, over and over again.  Not with puppies, and not necessarily with people; but with ideas.  I fall in love with one of the hundreds of possible outcomes.  More often than not, my in-love brain will pin more expectation on that one idea than it should.  While I have thought of everything, I have invested in a very small portion of the overall possibilities. 

So, while I am rarely shocked, I am often disappointed.  I do not linger in disappointment, though.  Fortunately, because my brain never stops, I just start the cycle all over again, re-imagining the new possibilities and preparing for the new outcomes, falling in love anew with the plot twist that changed the story. 

This, too, is strength.  There is nothing that has ever brought me down and kept me there.  And there is nothing that has ever surprised me enough to leave me unable to react.  Sometimes it hurts to lose the perfect expectation to the imperfect realities of life, but more often than not, the new possible combinations are more desirable than before the wrench was thrown into the mix.

At the end of the day I will always be in love with something that has yet to happen; I will always have ideas that are boundless in their possibilities; and I will always be prepared to react to any contingency.  It may take a long time for me to fully understand the intricacies of the way this mind of mine works, and that is alright with me.  The way I see it; the way my brain sees it; the possibilities are endless and I will always be in love with something beautiful.

I can live with that.     

There Aren’t Any Intermissions in This Play

There are many different directions a woman’s life can go after divorce.  Some are self-destructive.  Some are lonely.  Some are inspiring.  Some make no sense to anyone but her.  Some include impossible ideals, fairy tales even, of what life will be like some day.  Being who I am, I chose all of the above.  It took a long time for my life to become torn into tiny little pieces, hardly recognizable as belonging to me.  So it only makes sense that it took a long time and many paths to put all of those pieces back together again. 

First there was the self-destructive.  I don’t like to spend a lot of time reminiscing on that particular period of my life.  It was embarrassing, out of control, and frankly quite ridiculous considering the amount of smarts I was blessed with. 

Then there was the lonely.  See, when you hit rock bottom and make changes such as no longer hanging out in bars, you find out that most, if not all of your friends were not really friends; they were just drinking buddies.  Remove the drinking; lose the buddy; which is actually a good thing because I was not distracted from doing the work that I needed to do.   

I call one path inspiring because that was the brain tumor period of my life.  That was when I was unafraid to face a scary thing and I won.  That was when God showed me exactly how much spunk he had built into me and when I finally started figuring out how to harness it and use it for good. 

And there was a period that probably makes no sense to anyone who was not in my shoes.  I felt a strange alone-ness without loneliness.  I felt suspended in the never-ending consequences of my own bad choices.  I was slowly tying up the loose ends of a frayed woman who just wanted to be whole again.  I was slowly polishing the harsh jaded look I had been wearing, patiently trying to rediscover the loving heart that lived underneath.  I was trying to find every last little piece of me, and while I did not want to put myself back together in the form that I once was, I wanted every shred of my life experience available in my heart and in my memory; reminders of how far back from oblivion it is possible to travel. 

During all of these periods I did one thing consistently: I built an imaginary fairy-tale.  (I am totally talking about men here, in case that is not sufficiently implied).  I convinced myself of how things would be and dedicated myself to accepting nothing less than the perfection of my make-believe eventual reality.  Perhaps this was a defense mechanism that worked by setting an impossible standard that could never be met and therefore could never distract me from my path.  Perhaps this was the result of me finally realizing the worth that resides inside this body, heart, and mind of mine.  I am aware that my self-love sometimes borders on (or comes crashing across) a line of obnoxiousness.  I make no apologies.  I have learned that self-love is far better that self-loathing and I will never apologize for who I am now.  And I firmly believe that any person with a significant place in my life should recognize, embrace, and appreciate my awesomeness.   

And now, now that so many different phases have been completed and so many pieces of me have been polished to a brilliant shine, I find that the fairy tale is no longer necessary.  I find that I am okay with the way that things are turning out and the way that things are happening.  I do not need nor do I want a knight in shining armor to come rescue me from whatever evil villain is currently playing opposite me on my stage.  I do not need things to happen exactly the way my imagination scripted it in order to be happy.  All I really need is genuineness, honesty, and faith in the lines.

Whether it is a frog or a prince that is cast opposite me, I will take the script changes as they come, adapting as needed.  And if an exit is needed, I will carefully exit stage left with no looking back.  And if it turns out that I will be on stage with the same co-star for some time to come, I will do so cheerfully, accepting both him and myself as we are; regardless of whether our time on stage consists of forgotten lines and tripping over costumes, or of brilliant performances.       

All of this leads up to this: I recently met a new co-star.  And while we may still be in dress rehearsals, there is a part of me that sees a potential for brilliant performances.  Maybe that is just the romantic in me that wrote fairy tales to begin with.  Maybe it is the result of a true connection.  Maybe it is eternal optimism, which is not such a bad thing.  I don’t yet have all the answers.    

I spoke about this with a friend I love and respect very much.  She calls it not a fairy tale, but a fractured fairy tale.  Hearing those words, and understanding that it may not be what was imagined and may be a little broken apart from the original expectation, it can still be a fairy tale.  After all, authors of compelling stories must be willing to follow the plot line to the end, right?

And I am really looking forward to seeing where this particular plot line takes me.    

Mother's Day

I have made a choice to refrain from reading the plethora of written words that are out there today about Mother’s Day.  I knew that I wanted to write on the topic and I did not want outside influences to creep into my own words as I pen my thoughts and feelings on the subject of mothers.  

Let’s start at the beginning.  I come from a line of women who are strong, stubborn, beautiful, generous, loyal, and practically unshakable.  I come from a direct line of two women, my Granny and my Mom, who have consistently provided an example of what it means not only to be a woman, but especially what it means to be a mother.

Granny – your loving, giving, and persistent spirit have been a life-long goal to which I have always aspired.  I don’t know if you ever think about your legacy, but I can promise you that it will be one to be proud of.  You have lived your life with a selflessness that is refreshing and beautiful.  Knowing that it is your blood that runs through my veins is an honor that I hold dear to my heart.  On this Mother’s Day I hope that you count your triumphs in the countless ways you have touched, shaped, and loved every person blessed enough to know you.

Mom – I don’t know that there are words in the English language that are adequate to describe the way that I feel about having you as a mother.  There are times that I truly believe that God showed me favor over others by delivering me specially to your womb.  Regardless of any trial that came with being my mom for the past 39 years, you have remained steadfastly the most amazing woman I have ever known.  Your quietly loyal, loving, supportive and understanding approach to life has given me the strength that I have needed to tackle every obstacle that has come my way.  I can look in the mirror today and feel pride at the woman I have become; the credit for that lies considerably in your hands.  You have loved and nurtured me through chaos, bad judgment, pain, joy, failure, and success without ever blinking an eye or wavering in your love.  For that I will be eternally grateful and I will continue to count you as one of the greatest blessings of my life.  

And then there’s me as a mom.  There are a lot of emotions that I feel when I think about my designation as a mother.  The first and most powerful is always gratitude.  I don’t know much about God’s plan for my entire life, but I do know without question that He must really love me to allow me to be the woman that Alec, Chris, Colin, and Nick call Mom.  No other relationship or circumstance in my life will ever compare to the precious blessing that is being their mommy.  

While it is truly the hardest thing I have done or will ever do, it is also the single most rewarding. There is no comparison to the depth of feelings that spring from my heart when interacting with, watching, talking to, listening to, and loving my boys on a daily basis.  I take my responsibilities as a mother seriously and I question myself and my choices often.  Not that I am not confident that I am doing my best, it’s more that I understand the importance of helping to shape such beautiful lives and I want to do the very best that I can.  I want God to look down at the work I am doing here with my boys and I want Him to feel pride in his daughter; I want him to know that through His love I am delivering back to Him four gorgeous souls.  They are only mine for a short time, but they will always be His. 

I have been given a tremendous ability to love.  From people I barely know to those who reside within the same walls, I love many people very deeply and often very quickly.  There could be a million different ways that I could distribute all of my love back into this world.  I am abundantly grateful that one of the ways I get to distribute my love is through four healthy, unique, and amazing little boys.  I hope that I perform my duties in a way that leads them to one day reflect on their mom and feel the way I feel when I reflect on mine.  They may never know that regardless of how much they love me and are thankful for me, it will always pale in comparison to the way I feel about each and every one of them.  But I can promise you this: they will always know that I love them infinitely and unconditionally.  

I am not a perfect mother.  But I feel a perfect love for four magnificent boys.  

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you beautiful ladies out there.  You are doing an incredible job.  

I Like to be Random at Times

Hello there reader!  It has been a while, I know.  I am sorry about the lack of posts in the past couple of weeks.  Life has been keeping me crazy busy and every single day, right about the time I can sit and write my eyes tell me no, go to bed.  And I agree instantly. 

Now that some of the craziness has subsided for a minute I thought I should write.  But I don’t really have a topic in mind.  I do, however, have some random thoughts about some of the happenings in this life of mine.  So I will share some random, likely chaotic thoughts with you. 

Some of these thoughts are about situations that, while emotionally important to me, are not my stories to tell.  Those thoughts will seem vague and that is by design.  This is a place for my stories, not anyone else’s.  Others are from situations that are so early in their infancy that there isn’t yet a story to tell.  But there may someday be one.  We will just have to wait and see.   And others are really just random thoughts flying through this brain of mine.  It happens.  Welcome to my world. 

Randomness shall commence in 3…..2……1…….

Please don’t come at me with words, actions, or expressions that convey that you know my secrets.  It is annoying.  You don’t know anything.  Because if you did, you would know that when I am asked a direct question I will always give a direct answer.  Just because you think I have a secret does not mean that it is secretive to me.  I don’t like to lie about who I was, who I am, or who I want to be.  While I may not be proud of everything I have ever done or every choice I have ever made, I am not inclined to lie or hide anything.  I prefer honesty because with honesty there is no need to remember who knows what or how to keep stories straight.  My life is my life.  I will live it how I want.  I will own my mistakes.  And I will be honest; sometimes painfully so.  That is my choice and I stand by it. 

If a man wants to be in your life, he will find a way to be there.  Period.  If you didn’t hear from him it is because he didn’t want to call.  It really is that easy.  I am pretty sure there was a movie made with this exact theme flowing through it.  On a related note, if a man wants to be in your life and you already have a man, either ignore the pursuer or drop the current man before moving forward.  Trust me on this.  Been there, done that.  There is little chance that it will turn out pretty.

Children should never be collateral damage in your poor choices.  I know it happens.  Again, been there, done that….in a way.  There are situations in this life that are so tempting and so hard to walk away from that this one becomes a really tough one because there is always a way to rationalize your choices.  If you want to rationalize, that is up to you.  Just know that children pick up on far more than you may think.  And they are constantly learning from the choices they see adults make. 

When you think you are keeping something from someone you love in order to spare their feelings, you are most likely wrong.  What you really are doing is telling them that you do not fully trust them, you do not feel completely confident in their love, or you are too selfish to own up to the responsibility of your choices.  Quit thinking you know what is best for everyone and just take advantage of the love you are shown and unconditionally given. 

People can change.  People have the ability to adopt completely new mindsets, to make smart choices on a consistent basis, to become the person they always hoped they would be.  Try not to give up on people until it is truly a matter of safety, health, or sanity.  I am living proof that 180s are possible.  If every single person had given up on me the way many did, I do not know if I would be here today, much less be this much better now than I once was. 

I am always going to pay attention to your tone and your word choices.  It is how I am made, it is how I draw conclusions about the things that are said in my presence, and it is not going to change.  I don’t want it to.  I like that I take the time to really process a person’s words and their choice of tone while processing overall interactions.  I probably pick up on more in conversations and interactions than some people do.  And I may or may not overthink every little detail that I pick up.  Either way, I am aware of what is being said and what is left unsaid in most interactions. 

Lastly, not everyone has the ability to ask for love or attention when they really, really need it.  Pay attention to the ones you love.  Pay attention to their actions, their choices, their moods.  Even though they may not always know how to verbalize it, they may be dying inside for the smallest acknowledgement.  Give it to them, even if you are not sure they really need it.  It is always better to err on the side of love than to miss an opportunity to help someone. 

And that, my friends, is the end of this session of randomness.  I hope you enjoyed your moments with my thoughts.  And I really hope there are a few things in there that I am able to expand on at a later time. 

If no one has told you today, You Are Loved!  Remember that.