Well, I am stalled at this moment at 998. So, I guess this one will be the one that will put me over the top. Insert early celebration dance right here because I know it will happen soon. That being said, I am choosing to not write about the 1K mark. I mentioned it. I am happy about it - thrilled actually, but what else should I say about that? You get it, now let’s move on.
I would rather spend a moment talking about my never-ending contradictions, my double standards, and my inability at times to remain consistent. Let me preface this by noting for you that I am not upset about any of this. Some of this is just who I am and who I will likely always be and some is what I am working on somewhat consistently to make better.
First topic: Sarcasm. Oh, sarcasm, my constant companion, you witty little devil you. There are people out there who simply do not get me. That’s cool. Because there are some people, if they did get me the way I usually intend, they would not like me. Not one bit. I have a very weak filter on my sarcasm. I have gotten better as I have aged; trust me, the former bartender me wouldn’t even recognize this version’s ability to tone it down. But I still have an inability to shut those comments down sometimes before they come flying out of the face hole.
I am not bothered by this. Sarcasm, when used correctly, can be quite entertaining and I am not the least bit upset when I can be entertaining. Sarcasm, however, when used by a nine year old and it is directed at me (Mom), is not – I repeat, is not – entertaining. It is downright infuriating. Yep, I get it. Double standard right here – I can speak to my child with biting, though hilarious, sarcasm; but the moment he points that sarcastic mouth of his in my direction I start taking away privileges.
It is not that I don’t on some level truly appreciate his wit and his ability to wield the sarcasm in a way that will one day probably make me very proud. It is that he should not consider his mother to be his testing ground. At least not yet; he needs a few more years on this earth before he can even think it is okay to speak to me in that way. It is the timing that infuriates me the most I suppose. And I imagine that the hands of time will even this out long before he learns to shut his face hole when sarcasm is inappropriate; he is, after all, my son.
While there are probably a million examples of how I have double standards, the sarcasm is probably the best. Truth be told, it is usually the things that my children do that are most like the things I am the least proud of in myself that bring out the double standards. Sometimes it is like they are standing there, miniature Nikkis, throwing my imperfections in my face. They learned them from me, I know. But it is still my job to try and train it out of them long before my imperfections become their burden to bear for life. So, yes, there are things that I will say and do that I fully expect them to never say or do.
And all the while I am inconsistent. I knew that I would be the very first time I thought it was cute the way Alec told me “no”; I laughed at it, thereby encouraging it, and brought on the learned habit that telling mom no makes her smile and I should do it all the time. There are many examples of this as well. Any parent knows that the minute you laugh at something your child does, inappropriate or not, you have just given that behavior power and the validation to be repeated. It is hard to come back from that under the best circumstances. It is even harder when you simply cannot help but laugh all the time. Everything these boys do is funny to me at least once. The consistency issue comes in when I no longer think it is funny and the wrath of mom comes into play.
I do not know what logic I use to decide when it will be funny and when it won’t. I don’t know what criteria exist for what works one day but won’t the next. Maybe it is my mood. Maybe it is in direct proportion to how stinking cute the offending child looks while doing it. Maybe I am just a mess and there is truly no rhyme or reason at all. No matter where the inconsistencies come from, I am fully aware of the fact that it is unfair to expect these young boys to clairvoyantly anticipate whether I will react with laughter or with anger.
Like I said, I am working on it; somewhat consistently. In the meantime, though, at least my children are learning early that people can be difficult. The tools they will someday need to deal with the whims of their girlfriends, friends, bosses, wives, kids, or whomever they come into contact with, are being learned right now.
You are welcome, boys. Your Mom’s contradictions, double standards, and inconsistencies are not personality flaws at all; they are teaching tools to prepare you for your future relationships.
And next time I will teach you all how to spin a personality flaw into a desirable trait. Or did you already see what I did there? :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment