One of these talks just hit home with me as the mother of four young boys. If you have 20 minutes, use them to watch this: http://www.upworthy.com/a-ted-talk-that-might-turn-every-man-who-watches-it-into-a-feminist-its-pretty-fantastic-7?c=ufb3. It is important, not only for some groups of people, but for all. If you don’t have 20 minutes, allow me to give a brief recap.
Jackson Katz. Ph.D., talks about the pervasiveness in our society of the idea that gender violence is a women’s issue and how that view is wrong. It is instead a men’s issue, as well as a women’s issue. Gender violence (i.e. physical abuse, rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse of children, emotional abuse, etc.) is an issue that we all should be concerned about. It is also something that can be radically changed in this country through a paradigm shift that moves our way of thinking from victim blaming and silence to leadership and the use of our voices within peer groups to remove the status of perpetrators. In a nutshell, the idea is that when more people (mostly men) speak out and shut down sexism and violent verbal statements within their peer groups, the sexist loses status, and therefore power, leading to an overall decrease in gender violence.
It is not possible for me to sufficiently recap these powerful 20 minutes in just a paragraph so I suggest that you spend the time to watch and form your own reactions and opinions. I did watch it, twice, as of the writing of this post, and I can tell you what my reactions are: First, I have a lot of work to do as a mother; second, I need to seriously consider where I can find the teachable moments with my children so that they will learn these lessons now; and third, I feel a tremendous amount of pressure as a single mom to find a way to instill what it actually means to be a “man” in the hearts and minds of my four young boys. Because this is important; I am responsible for raising four young boys who will soon be men. And I am responsible for raising them to be not just men, but good men.
Don’t get me wrong here: my boys have a father and he is a part of their lives. So when I say I have a responsibility to teach them how to be men it is not because they are without a father. It is because I have no concrete knowledge or control over what or how he teaches them. As such I approach the responsibility as my own. In this way I can be sure that I have made a serious effort in my parenting to cover all the bases.
Before I go into further detail about my reactions to this particular video and topic, allow me to first give you some details about my style of parenting. I approach parenting in a very Nikki way and it is not what I would call common. My relationships with my boys are unique to this home and I approach my parenting, or family management to be more accurate, as a team sport. I may be the coach, but we are all going for the same championship title.
I have always spoken to my children as if they were older than they are while still considering what their brains are capable of truly understanding. I include my boys in all family decisions and we talk about and often times vote on all major decisions. I never speak negatively about any person in the boys’ lives, regardless of my personal opinions; I stand firm in my faith that the boys are quite capable of forming their own opinions of the people in their lives and of choosing their own relationships. I will step in and help when one of the boys is in a moral struggle that they do not have the strength to overcome alone, but only with their permission and a mutual understanding that work will need to be done to increase their strength for the next time. I take silliness to the extreme. I try very hard to endure the noise of a house full of boys, as long as it is fun and cooperative noise. I require that the boys speak to me with respect and do not fail to call them out when they do not.
There is no topic of conversation that is off limits in this family and I do not ever lie to my children. Even when they ask about things I don’t necessarily want to share or things that I am not necessarily proud of, we talk about it regardless. My children can trust me with the smallest secret or the biggest confession and my love never wavers. We pray together as a family every night and we talk often about Heaven and Hell and society and poverty and charity, and anything else that we can think of.
I do not allow myself to compare my parenting style or my choices with other parents. I figured out long ago that those parents are not me and I am not them and we are not raising each other’s children and comparisons are a waste of time. When something isn’t working, I assess and adjust; simple as that. I also remember that it is impossible to know what goes on behind the closed door of another family’s home and comparisons would be based on only that which is allowed to be seen and are therefore pointless anyway.
My personality pervades every action that I take as a mother and my personal experiences color every choice. I am a little crazy and a lot weird and that is what my family is as well. I have learned a lot about life in my 38 years, but I have never professed to know it all. I apologize sincerely for my mistakes and when I promise my boys that I will try harder, there is no emptiness in the promise. I am fallible and I am human and we sometimes learn our lessons and take life’s punches individually and sometimes as a family. Life has never thrown a knock-out punch at any of us, and until the pre-determined time of our personal KO’s, it never will. We believe that with child-like faith and we maintain forward progress at all times.
Where does this all fit in with the video I mentioned above? Check out the next blog post; this one has run over its allotted time and it is necessary for this one
To Be Continued…..
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