Being A Single Mom and Finding a Silver Lining Where You May Least Expect It

I get asked a lot exactly how it is that I do it; how do I raise four boys, manage a home, and work outside of the home all while single.  The simple answer is that just like anyone else, I just do it. I just get out of bed every day, get dressed, and get going.  There are some things about single motherhood that some who have never done it may not realize.  Some of these things are good and some are bad.  But they are all a part of the journey.

First and foremost, this family is firmly planted in the love of God.  The five of us spend a lot of time talking about, thanking, and celebrating our Father.  We also pray together out loud every night.  It would be impossible for me to understate the importance of our choices to live and love together under the direct guidance of our Lord.  Without this relationship we would be a very different family.

With that being said, there are a few things that keep everything together on a daily basis. One of those things is consistency.  Another of those things is routine.  While some may prefer a more spontaneous fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants approach to raising a family, I simply cannot do that.  While it is partly due to my personality, it is also due to the fact that my children do better with consistency and routine.  When our routine is thrown off or when I am inconsistent in any of my parenting choices, the results are immediate and they are rarely pretty.

There is also the fact that in this house, I am Queen and there is no King to undermine my authority.  What I say goes.  There is no other adult here to whom they can make their case. There is no opportunity for playing one parent against another.  When I have made a decision, the discussion is over and we move on.  I like this….when I make the right choices for my family.  At the same time, though, when I mess up, there is no one to help shoulder the blame or to take corrective action.  The mistakes are all mine and I have to own them and learn from 
them.  

And this one I talk about frequently because I think it makes a big difference for me; it is my unexpected silver lining in solo parenting. At the start of every day I know without question that I alone will be responsible for all the adult things in this house.  If it doesn't get done or decided by me, it doesn't get done or decided.  And that is a powerful position to be in, mostly because it prevents the disappointment of knowing that there is someone in the house who could help you but chooses not to.  Or who is too oblivious to even realize that help is needed.

Think about it.  Has there even been a time when you felt overwhelmed; the baby is crying, older brother is late for baseball practice, you just realized you filled the crock pot that morning but failed to turn it on, no one has any clean socks, and you look up to see your husband…..sitting on the couch watching TV, oblivious to the chaos that surrounds him.  At that moment, it isn't about the details of life that send you over the edge.  It is seeing him doing nothing that does it.  And for hours after you will mentally berate him, wondering why he didn't just offer to help, or even better, just get up and do something.  That disappointment quickly turns to anger which quickly escalates to far more than it ever had to be.  

I don’t ever have to do that.  Granted, no one ever has to do that; choices can be made to not let it bother you or just pretend it is part of who your partner is and can’t be helped.  But let’s be honest about how it usually really goes down.

I begin every day with the knowledge that there is no adult other than me so I don’t feel disappointment or anger at another’s failure to step up or failure to read my mind and recognize that I need help.  I don’t waste time and emotion being mad at another person for not stepping in where I need them.  This is a solo act, so I just prioritize, get it all done, and if I don’t, there’s always tomorrow.  Over the years this lack of opportunity for disappointment has been one reminder I make to myself of why it can be great to be a single mom.  

How do I do it?  Hopefully the same way you do it: I take the bad with the great and I am thankful for my family and my life every moment of every day.  And when I falter, I regroup and try again. And again.  And again.  For as long as I remain a single mother, this family is my responsibility and that I own completely and cheerfully.