There is an idea that is accepted by many that we never recognize the significance in events as they are happening; that it is only in hindsight that we see the impact of events, decisions, or interactions on our lives. I would like to think that at this moment I am an exception to that idea. I would like to think that I am not only currently experiencing significant events, decisions, and interactions, but also that I am recognizing and embracing them as they happen. While I may be overestimating my ability to see that which is happening in my own life, I do know for a fact that there is a shift happening in me. I suppose its actual significance will be proven or disproven over time. But for now, I feel it, I see it, and I fully embrace it.
Perhaps the reason I finally started this blog that I have considered for years is that I need the cleansing power of writing right now. Or that I need the clarity that I have always found in the pages of my own thoughts. Or maybe I just ran out of excuses for doing something that I always wanted to do. I do not know why, but I am certain that the importance of this blog is clear to me, regardless of the view counts or the nature of the comments made or not made. If it is never read by another soul, its value will remain high for me.
I cannot completely define what the shift in me is all about. Perhaps that will be one of the many things in my life that I am able to flesh out through the composition of these lines. But I do know that jaded is not a good look for me, yet it is one that I have been wearing for years. And there may have been valid reasons for that. Through divorce, brain tumor, and other unfortunate events it was probably out of necessity that my heart would only allow for so much, and jaded was just the defensive position, and therefore the easy way to go. But that is not me; it never should have been, and I never want it to be again.
My dedication to my children will never fade, but my insistence that I must push aside my own desires and needs in order to raise them seems to me now to be shortsighted and well, wrong. There are connections with people in my life right now that have not only shown up uninvited, but have shocked me to my core with their impact in a short period of time. What was unwelcome or unseen a few short months ago is not only welcome now, but probably a large part of what will save me from myself in the end. And if I am able to save me from myself, I will be better equipped to be there for those gifts I call my sons. Some of these people likely have no idea the impact they are making on this heart of mine, but the results are awesome. And for now, it is okay that they are unaware. There is a good chance that drawing attention to it could change the nature of the interactions that are currently shaping my days and pervading my thoughts with a relentlessness the likes of which I have not experienced in a long, long time.
In the coming days I will owe some folks some pretty big thanks, but for now I will continue to absorb, process, and apply what is happening all around me and within me. There is very little that I do not notice now and that unyielding attention to all that is around me is new and amazing. I hate to think of all that I missed while I had my heart and vision on lockdown. While my season of gray is clearing, I will continue to bounce through this life with alacrity and the honesty of transparency in all that I do, no matter how insignificant it may appear to others. Because I know, I just know that there is something amazing coming in my life. And I do not want to miss it when it arrives.
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