Monday, September 15, 2014

I am a Re-Conditioning Battery

About twenty years ago I worked for a cellular company.  Technology was different then and there was a service that we provided on a fairly regular basis: re-conditioning rechargeable batteries.  Some batteries would lose their life long before the device had lost its usefulness so the customer would bring in their battery and the tech would attach it to a device that would re-condition it, improving the life of that battery.  It was basically a continual loop of completely depleting the device, completely charging it, and then starting the process all over again.  It was through this endless, consecutive charge-and-deplete cycle that the battery would basically reclaim most of its original storage capacity.   

Now, if you were to remove a battery partially through the re-conditioning process you would probably see longer battery life, but not see the full potential of that battery.  You would perhaps get 50 percent better than you had before, but by removing it early you would fail to reach 100 percent.  I think about the process of re-conditioning batteries and I cannot help but draw parallels to myself.  

I am a battery in the process of being re-conditioned. 

I am in constant search for the full charge before depletion starts all over again.  I am always looking for things, people, activities, time, anything to allow me a full charge before things, people, activities, time, everything starts depleting my already taxed stores of power. It would seem, at times, that there is no such thing as a full charge.  And even when I think I have accomplished a full recharging, it proves to be only one of a countless partial charges in the process of re-conditioning.  

And the depletion process happens so much more quickly than the charging process.  Even situations that I enter with the thought that they will be rejuvenating, refreshing experiences often turn into just the opposite.

One-sided relationships, poorly attempted and thinly veiled threats, questions asked repeatedly when the answer has already been stated repeatedly, behavior choices of children, behavior choices of adults, and often even my own choices: these are just some of the small things that keep me in the perpetual cycle of re-conditioning.  

Please don’t get me wrong here: I am not complaining.  

Even though there are moments when I feel like I cannot take one more single second of depletion, I find that I actually can.  Even though there are moments when I want to bury my head in the sand, ignore all responsibilities and just rest, I soldier on with slight alterations.  I ignore the laundry for an extra day and instead cuddle up with my boys on the couch.  I skip cooking dinner and offer up ice cream instead because the effort is minimal and the happiness is enormous.  I make a budget that I vowed to stick to and then fail to stick to it because someone needs new shoes, or pants, or lunch, or a haircut, or any number of things that pop up when you are mom to four.

I allow the cycle of depletion and charging to continue for one reason: I am rechargeable.  I was created by a Father who gave me purpose.  I was created by a Father who could have allowed me to be disposable but instead gave me the option to become new again.  I was created by a Father who wants me to deplete all of my love and energy to do my part in making this world a better place.  I was created by a Father who gave more than I can even imagine, His son, ensuring that I would have abundant and beautiful life, followed by an abundant and perfect eternity.   

So, on days like today, when I feel bone-exhausted immediately following the weekend, 
when I feel like a failure for failing to post a blog for two weeks following a promise to write more, when I feel like I can actually hear my pillows whimpering my name, calling me to their fluffy comfort before 7 pm; on days like today I check myself and remember.

I remember that I have purpose.  I remember that I am rechargeable, not disposable.  I remember that I am held in the strong and powerful hands of a Father who loves me and will not let me deplete completely.  There will always be more that requires my energy, and the longer I allow the cycle of re-conditioning to continue I can only gain more power.  I can only fulfill greater pieces of my purpose.  I can only do more of that which I was created to do.  

Oh, trust me.  I am not complaining about that at all.